Because I own one, or how reclamation works

When I was working at my temp corporate whore position this summer, I worked with a guy who could be considered the classic definition of cockswagger. I’ve worked in a lot of male dominated environments and have, more often than not, been the only woman in a group of male employees. So I have gotten pretty good at subversive tactics in mind-changing.

So Mr. Cockswagger, Ms. Still Young Enough to Believe That Secretaries Can Become The Boss and I were having lunch one day when Cockswagger called some guy a cunt.

Ms. SYEtBTSCBTB: You can’t say that!

Cockswagger: Say what?

Me: You can’t call someone a cunt

Cockswagger: You just said it.

Me: I own a cunt, I can say it all I want. If you don’t own one or you aren’t one, you can’t use the word.

Cockswagger: Well I own one too

Me: I dare you to call your wife right now and tell her you just said that.

Next day

Cockswagger: I talked to my wife about our conversation yesterday.

Me: And…

Cockswagger:(dejectedly) I don’t get to use the C-word.

And there you have it. That is why can call myself a bitch. That is why I can say cunt till I’m blue in the face. That is why it’s not racist when black people use the n-word or gay guys use the term fag.

It is also why calling someone a pussy is not an okay insult. Pussy is usually a term that men use to call other men weak. Except when you think about it, a pussy is probably one of the toughest body parts nature created. If you could spend 18 hours working to get a tennis ball to come out of your nostril, you are going to think of your nostril as the most amazing thing ever. Men use the term pussy to mean weakness because it means that a man is acting like a woman. I think it’s time we reclaim the word.

Instead of asking if someone has the balls to do something, I think I shall wonder “If he’s got the pussy to pull it off”. I may even retire the “ovaries of steel” line in favor of ” toughest pussy in the world”. When I see a woman do something brave or courageous, I will say that she has a “lead lined pussy” or maybe that she’s so strong her pussy could could give birth to an entire high school band, instruments and all.

My Sense of Humor Sounds Like A Nice White Zinfandel

But Seriously… ASHTON KUTCHER?



Your Score: the Prankster

(23% dark, 30% spontaneous, 15% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | LIGHT

Your humor has an intellectual, even conceptual slant to it. You’re not pretentious, but you’re not into what some would call ‘low humor’ either. You’ll laugh at a good dirty joke, but you definitely prefer something clever to something moist.

You probably like well-thought-out pranks and/or spoofs and it’s highly likely you’ve tried one of these things yourself. In a lot of ways, yours is the most entertaining type of humor because it’s smart without being mean-spirited.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Conan O’Brian – Ashton Kutcher


The 3-Variable Funny Test!

– it rules –


If you’re interested, try my best friend’s best test:
The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Masterpiece

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Green beans are the new creamed corn

We are poor. Not just kinda struggling from paycheck to paycheck, but either eat or pay rent poor.

I have enough education to understand all the societal reasons for poverty and how inevitable it is, but not enough education to really pull us out of it. So we get by as best we can from crisis to crisis with occasional help from well meaning charity things.

I have learned that when it comes to charity, sometimes it really is kindness and sometimes it is a way to dump unwanted stuff on the poor while creating a warm feeling of generosity for the givers. One Christmas I got a $200 gift card to Toys R Us that covered not just the Kid’s Christmas presents but his birthday presents in March too. Another year I got a pile of stained fabric scraps and a dirty winter coat that was 3 sizes too small for the Kid.

The Kid is in a weird spot at school. He is one of the only poor kids in the gifted program, so when it comes time for the annual feel good duties- we’re the top family on the list. This week the Kid came home with a $25 gift card to Safeway (super helpful) and a bag of canned goods.

The canned goods included a can of fruit cocktail, a can of corn, two boxes of mac and cheese and 8, yes 8 cans of green beans. I guess they can live in the cupboard with the remaining cans of refried beans we got from last years canned food dump. I think there are still 4 cans left. If the end times come- does anyone know a campfire recipe for a mixture of green beans and refried beans or should we try to maintain some level of civilization and eat them in separate courses?

Party on dudes!


I throw two big parties every year. One is my birthday, which after years of having at my house (where I- as birthday girl had to spend way too much time cooking and cleaning) is now held at a karaoke bar so that my friends can buy me copious amounts of alcohol and dedicate silly songs in my honor. The other is Thanksgiving.

I really want to do Thanksgiving this year, and I am going to give it my best shot though I haven’t been my normal social self lately (I blame drugs!). Last year there were more than 17 people in my tiny apartment. People were sprawled on the floor indulging in yumminess and booze. This year there may not be as many people, but I am whipping out my chef’s knife and the section of my recipe binder (The Red Hot Mama’s Book of Good Eats) labeled “Thanksgiving- The Good”. There is also a section labeled “Thanksgiving – The Bad and The Ugly” to remind me of what recipes have gone horribly bad- like the butternut squash soup where the squash tried to reconstitute itself in the manner of the evil liquid metal robot in Terminator 2 or 3 (I can’t remember which).

So here is the list of standards that I use:

Turkey cooked in a liter of wine and butter (I usually do a 22- 24 pounder)

Cornbread stuffing with sausage and walnuts

Mashed potatoes with roast garlic and dill

Smokey green beans almondine

Cranberry sauce with apricots and ginger

Whipped sweet potatoes

Spinach and pear salad with raspberry vinaigrette

And this year- deviled eggs. I am always a little embarrassed at my love of deviled eggs, they seem so retro 50’s housewife and not at all gourmet. But after attending a barbecue this summer where I watched a bunch of hipster musicians suck down deviled eggs like their grungy predecessors sucked down heroine, I am no longer ashamed to serve them to girls with asymmetric hair cuts and boys in tiny girl pants.

I also think I am going to do grilled portabellos for the vegans main dish this year. They are terribly easy and can get popped into the broiler while the turkey is resting.

We eat like civilized people- dinner is generally 7 or 8 pm. None of this eating at 2 in the afternoon for us. And since I don’t generally make desserts, that I what my guests bring. Thanksgiving goes on until the wee hours of the morning with much wine and music and good friends.

So friends out there too far away to join us here- what are you doing for Carb-fest 07?

Choices, choices

A few days ago, I decided that the new medicine I’ve been taking was worse than the original disease. It made me sleepy and unable to write or think or even speak with my normal wit and snark. I’d only been on it for a month and I’d only been on the full dose of it for a week. So I stopped taking it.

The first day was great. Then the dreams started and I felt like I spent all night watching horror movies instead of sleeping. The second day I spent in a fog, but I figured it was just because I didn’t sleep well the night before.

Then yesterday I spent the curled up on the couch wondering if this is what schizophrenia feels like. Everything was both fuzzy and too intense at the same time. When the Kid and I walked to the store to get dinner, I thought the bright lights were going to kill me. It’s freezing here and I was hot and sweaty like I’d been hiking through a jungle in August. Sounds were freaking me out. I thought my head would explode when a car alarm went off and the Kid talking to me was like being swarmed by every mosquito in the world. It took every ounce of concentration to put one foot in front of the other and get home.

I came home and called a dear friend with massive drug knowledge. She’s taken this drug before and had the same problem.. “Take a pill now. You’re in withdrawal”. It took her two months to ween herself off a drug she had only been taking for two weeks. As it is, I’m having a problem just getting through the everyday stuff on medication. The idea of spending two more months on it is depressing. I hate having a brain that won’t do what I tell it to. I hate it even worse that I am stuck on a drug that doesn’t work because the withdrawal from it makes me think that a padded room in a mental hospital is an ideal vacation.

My doctor wants me to stick with this drug for another month. I want off it now. So do I play nice and do as the doctor says, or do I try to ween myself off it and hope that I don’t go nuts in the mean time?

Weird dreams

I am writing this here because 1) I like to overshare and 2) I want to have it written down somewhere so that I don’t forget it later.

The last couple of nights I’ve been having these wild, cinematic dreams. Last night’s was by far the weirdest and worst. It was so bad that I woke myself up from it several times only to go right back to it when I fell back to sleep. It also woke the Kid up because apparently I was yelling out in my sleep.

It started off with the beginning of a dream I’ve had a couple of times. I am back in high school and I am having a party in my bedroom closet, only my closet is a huge walk-in. Everybody is dressed fancy and prom like and leaning up against the clothes hanging on the walls. All of a sudden some popular girl (which is weird cause I was a popular girl and never afraid of losing status) starts going though my giant shoe collection. She pulls them out and keeps saying “they’re the right brand but they’re ugly”. I get pissed off “I don’t see you wearing those brands of shoes”.

Then everyone is gone and I am in the closet holding a tiny “rabbit” only the rabbit looks more like a hamster. I name her Ruby and she is the sweetest, softest thing I have ever held in my life. I don’t ever want to put her down, but I have some construction work that needs to be done on the closet. Some giant famous basketball player in a basketball uniform(I don’t know which one) agrees to do the work for me, he just needs me to help him move the lumber for the job into the closet. Ruby is terrified that I’ll put her down. Her soft furry body won’t stop shaking from fright. I decide to put her in the bathroom sink because I think the basin will hold her for the few seconds I need to move stuff. But she escapes and scurries into a crack in the wall. When I come back for her, she is still shaking and scared and I can’t make her stop.

(this is where I first woke up- or actually woke myself up. I was freaking out about not being able to fix Ruby and my conscious brain dragged me to awakeness)

Next, it is winter and I come out of the closet into a neighborhood much like where I grew up. It has mountains and dangerous hairpin turns for roads. There is a boy there who in real life has the exact same first, middle and last name as my brother minus one letter. (The entire time we were in school people confused the two of them but they were so different I didn’t understand how they could be so stupid over one letter.) I have on ice skates, but I haven’t skated since I was a little kid. It’s just like riding a bike though and very shortly I am doing complicated twirls and turns on the ice.

Then it’s summer and I am marching by a lake carrying a flag. The boy with the name like my brother walks towards me and as I go to hug him hello and give him a kiss on the cheek, he pushes me away. It’s very important that the flag I am carrying stay straight up. The flag is some nautical warning to the boats on the lake.

I wake myself up again, this time pissed because WTF was up with that boy. Damn I was just trying to be friends.

When I fall back to sleep I am at my family’s house. All my cousins are there (Hi Wonder!) and so is the Kid. I am getting ready to take the Kid to the airport so he can make his annual visit to Atlanta. He’s flown alone plenty of times and I’m not worried. I drop him off at the airport and then park a little ways away so I can watch his plane take off. I sit on the side of a hill in the sunshine and all of a sudden everyone from the airport starts running towards me. Something has gone horribly wrong. I am looking for the Kid, but he doesn’t come. I wait for a very long time after everyone else has left and suddenly he walks up behind me. He is coming from the wrong direction.

I can tell that something is wrong, but he won’t talk to me. I go through his backpack and start pulling out papers and drawings. There is a cartoon in his bag that teaches kids how to be terrorists and suicide bombers and why that is a good thing. There is also a sheet of paper, the newsprint type with the big lines that little kids first use to learn to write their letters. In the Kid’s handwriting is a note about how he is becoming a suicide bomber. It’s his suicide note. But underneath his writing I can see the carelessly erased letters that he was made to copy to write the letter. I beg him to talk to me. When he doesn’t I call the FBI to tell them that I know what happened at th airport and that they should be looking for someone who is turning Unaccompanied Minors (airline speak for kids flying alone) into suicide bombers and terrorists. The operator on the phone seems bored with my call and says they already know.

I go back to trying to make the Kid talk to me, but he won’t. I am terrified that I can’t change his mind if he won’t talk to me.

At this point , the kid wakes me up because I was screaming out loud. He promises me he’s not a terrorist, and I tell him that the worst part was that he just wouldn’t talk to me.

So now you know, I am a complete freak. Next time I might tell you how I once sold my soul to the devil in a dream, and the devil was Nicholas Cage.

A pink cog in the political machine

First- I skipped my meds today (tehehehe) and have not only been able to stay bright eyed and bushy tailed all day long, but I was able to write most of an essay. Hip hip hurrah for clear thinking and snarkitude.

So this post at Feministe (which I’ll link once their site is working again) reminded me of a story I haven’t told in a while. I thought I’d share it now.

I am a political science major, but I have absolutely no interest in working as or for a politician- ever. I’m more of a theorist and a writer anyway, but there once was a time where I entertained working for a political campaign or party in some way. So I joined the Young Democrats. After attending meetings faithfully for awhile, I ran for vice president and won.

The chapter that I belonged to was in the deep south in a county known for creating some of our most hideous Republican politicians (Newt Gingrich’s home office was next door to the Kid’s preschool and Bob Barr was in his Clinton hating heyday at the time). Being a Democrat was not an easy thing, being a Democratic single mom was the next best thing to being Satan. But that didn’t stop me. I had bumperstickers on my car that proudly proclaimed my voting habits and regularly got harassed at gas stations and stop lights by conservative nutbags. I could take take it though. I’ve never had a problem arguing with the opposition.

I was the only girl in the leadership of our chapter, it was just four boys and me running our little show. But it was cool, right. I mean, they’re Dems after all. So when my first official task after being elected was to decorate for the annual holiday party, I didn’t think too much about it. When it became clear that all I was going to get to do was organize who would be bringing drinks and snacks and doing the decoration, set up and clean up of all of our events. I got a little huffy.

There were some good moments. We did a voter registration drive where I hiked miles through low income neighborhoods and signed up many new voters. I got a free ticket to the annual Jefferson Jackson dinner (a $500 a plate fundraising event) where Al Gore was the speaker. I ate bad chicken and drank cheap wine and met a bunch of politicians. I discovered dirty martinis.

Then we held a meet and great at a local university for a guy who was running for state senate. During the course of his speech he announced that his platform would include a law that would make committing a crime against a woman carry a punishment double the ordinary, because “women are natural victims, like children”.

I was supposed to be nice. I was not supposed to ask questions of the candidate during the open question part. But there was no way in hell I was going to let him get away with categorizing women as “natural victims”. So I raised my hand, and when called on I asked him if he realized that he just insulted half his audience.

The other Young Democrats started loudly hushing me, though the candidate was generally interested in my opinions. Eventually the chapter President interrupted to say “Elizabeth, I think we’ve heard enough from you”. I sat back down and steamed in my seat.

After it was over, the candidate came up to me to apologize. His campaign was new and it was an idea he was just trying out. He seemed earnest in his desire to actually help women. So I talked to him for a bit. I told him that if he really wanted to help women, he would make it easier to punish people who commit crimes against them, like rapists and wife beaters.

At that point, some of the old money wives of the grown up Democratic party organization joined us. They were just what you imagine, big hair, sparkly jewelry, brightly colored silk blouses and enough makeup to spackle a bathroom. One of them, in the best southern drawl I have ever heard, put her hand on the candidates shoulder and said “Honey, I don’t think you eveh wanna meet any one of us in a dark alley, victims we are not”. Then she introduced herself to me and said “Thank you for bringing that up”.

I left that night and did not return to the Young Democrats. What I realized is that even though they were supposed to be the party of equality, beliefs had not yet caught up to practices. Those fabulous jeweled wives had power in their own way, but they would never get a chance to drive the machine, and I would be forever relegated to event decoration if I stayed.

I am still a Democrat, old habits die hard maybe. Or maybe it’s that I believe we can pull the party back to it’s progressive ideas and put those ideas into real practice. We are still the only party in the country to have ever passed progressive legislation. The Green Party may seem like a more progressive party, but Democrats have actually gotten elected and that counts for a lot. I may volunteer for a campaign (or two or three) in the future and I may even volunteer my time to do phone banking and voter registration drives, but I will not work as a pink cog in the political machine. I have had my fill of the political flavor of women’s work.

My Turn!

Age at Next Birthday:

Place I want to Go Someday:

Favorite Place:

Favorite Object:


Favorite Food:

Favorite Animal:

Favorite Color:

Town I was Born In:

Town I Live Now:

Name of A Pet:

First Name of A Past Love:

Best Friend’s Nickname:

Screen Name:

My First Name:

Middle Name:

Last Name:

Bad Habit:

First Job:

Grandmother’s First Name:

College Major:

Brain not work so well

I am taking new meds that make me sleepy like a heroin addict, so no substantial posts for you (all 3 of you). Instead you get a meme hijacked from ShapelyProse.

The rules are that you type the answers into a Google image search and pick a picture on the first page.

Age at next birthday

Place I want to go someday

Favorite place (I cheated- this is a picture I took in Rome. I liked it better than the Google pics)

Favorite object

Favorite food (I’m cheating cause I’ve got 3 in there- proscuitto, olives and CHEESE ! It;s CHEESE Grommit!)

Favorite animal

Favorite color (duh!)

The town I was born in
The town where I live now

The name of a pet

The first name of a past love (hahahaha- he’s a freaking clown!)

My best friend’s nickname
My screen name
My first name
My middle name

My last name
My bad habit(s)

My first job

My Grandmother’s first name

My College Major