After reading the original story over at Broadsheet and Cara’s dead on analysis, I thought it was time for a reprint of an old post with the relevant bits highlighted.
How men can stop rape
Via Pandagon comes the horrific story of a 17 year old girl gang raped by guess who…
No really, guess..
It’s not hard, I promise.
OK- by a group of 8 college athletes from DeAnza Community College. Who couldn’t see that one coming? OK- maybe you couldn’t pick the exact school, but college athlete is becoming code for rapist.
“This poor girl was not moving. She had vomit dribbling down her face. We had to scoop vomit out of her mouth [and] lift her up. Her pants were completely off her body,” says Chief Elk. “She had her one shoe on, her jeans were wrapped around one of her ankles and her underwear was left around her ankles. To the left of the bed there was some condom thrown on the ground.”
“When they lifted her head up, her eyes moved and she said ‘I’m sorry,’” says Grolle. “One of the guys who was in the room said ‘This is her fault. She got drunk and she did this to herself.‘”
Lovely- like she just wandered into a room and fell on 8 cocks. Totally her fault, natch.
In the comments at Pandagon a discussion came up about how men can stop rape and why is it men’s responsibility to stop it instead of both men and women.
First- why is it men’s responsibility.
Women have been told that it is their responsibility to prevent rape since forever. We are told not to dress a certain way, walk alone at night, get drunk, lead someone on, etc. etc. etc. Yet for some reason, all of our efforts to eliminate rape through our own behavior have failed because the only difference between a mini-skirt wearing drunk girl walking home by herself at night and a rape victim is THE PRESENCE OF A RAPIST. So boys, half the population has been working to eliminate rape already and that hasn’t solved the problem. It’s time for you guys to get with the fucking program.
What men can do to eliminate rape
1) Don’t rape (obvious, I know)
2) Don’t treat rape like a joke or try to equate it to something else. For example- it is not ok to say “Man I got raped on that car deal”. Overpaying for a car or getting the bad end of a divorce settlement is not in any way comparable to getting raped. Actually getting raped is comparable to getting raped.
3)Don’t laugh, wink, or quietly let slide when other guys make rape jokes. You know you’ve done it. You need to grow a pair and say “that’s not cool”. This includes making jokes about prison rape – no one deserves to be Bubba’s prison bride just like no one deserves to be murdered.
4) Treat anything less than an enthusiastic “Hell yes!” as a no when it comes to sex. No one has ever died or had their life ruined from not having sex, but having sex with someone who is not a completely willing partner will ruin someone’s life. You should treat an “I don’t know”, “Maybe” or no response at all as a “No”. Women are conditioned from before we grow boobs that men are dangerous. A woman who doesn’t say an explicit “no” may simply be trying to find the least confrontational way out of the situation. Even if you don’t think you are dangerous, our frame of reference says otherwise.
5) Assume drunk equals “No”. It doesn’t always, I know. I think everyone has at least one drunken sex story, but play it safe and assume it’s a “No”. If she’s sober next time and wants to- yippy! But if not, be glad that you dodged a non-consent bullet at worst and serious morning after humiliation at best. If you never see her in a sober state- assume she has a drinking problem and should be avoided.
6) Begging, pleading, seducing, charming, lying, bothering, convincing, pestering, etc to get a woman to have sex with you may not legally equate to rape (in some places it does)- but it makes you an asshole and it hurts the person you want to have sex with. Here’s an example, cause I feel like being all personal and shit lately.
A few months ago a “special friend” was supposed to come over for a visit. I had developed a horrible kidney infection. Antibiotics weren’t working, my back was killing me and I had a fever of 103. He showed up, I didn’t even want to get up to answer the door so I just laid in bed.
He kept ringing the bell. For like 20 minutes. I finally answered the door and yelled at him- “What the fuck dude- I’m sick and you’re ringing my bell like a god damned stalker”. He was very apologetic and said if we couldn’t have sex he would just come hang out for a while and take care of me. Fine, whatever. 15 minutes later and he’s trying to put his hand up my shirt. “Seriously, dude- do you not understand kidney infection?- We are not going to fuck!”
“How about if you just jack me off?”
“No”
“OK I’ll just give you a back rub”
“Fine, but we really aren’t going to fuck”
After a few more futile attempts to get me to fuck him, he left. When the fever was gone I sent him a seriously bitchy email about how that was not ok. He’s still not talking to me (no loss) or the friend that introduced us. But he really did think that harassment is an ok way to get laid.
Here’s a radical idea for you all- getting sex from a girl is not a battle to be won. That is maybe the most radical idea on this whole list-
7) Getting laid is not a battle.
Repeat- getting laid is not a battle. You are not trying to capture an enemy flag. You are not trying to show your manly prowess by hunting for girl game. You don’t “win” by convincing a previously unconvinced girl that she wants to sleep with you.
8) Sex is a thing for mutual enjoyment. I promise that any boy who has to spend that much time convincing a girl to fuck him has not in the end actually convinced her that he is an awesome love god, but has instead worn her down into delivering sex for the sole purpose of getting him to leave her alone. It’s worse than a mercy fuck dude. At that point the girl has basically decided that it is easier to be a hole in the mattress than to deal with your whining for another hour. It means she has given up all hope of your being a decent guy. It also means that she probably faked an orgasm just to get you off her faster.
9) If she says yes to begin with and then changes her mind- stop immediately! Again with the mutual enjoyment thing- she’s not enjoying it and you don’t have a god-given right to finish once you’ve started. You will live through a case of blue balls, I promise.
10) Teach your kids that their bodies are theirs and they have control over them. This is for both boys and girls and it starts in small ways. I remember being a kid and my mom’s friends would tickle me until I cried. Instead of being told that I could tell them to stop (or better yet- having my own mother tell them to stop picking on a little kid)- I was told to stop acting like a baby. Basically- I was told that I didn’t have the right to stop people from touching me in a way I didn’t like.
I didn’t do that with my kid. The rule is that in play fighting or tickling or anything- one no is all that has to be said for it to stop. This goes for him and me, just because I am his mother doesn’t mean he gets a free pass. It teaches him that his body is his own and someone else’s body is their own to do with as they please. If he understands that basic premise of sovereignty and that it applies to everyone then he is less likely to ignore a girl when he gets older and she says no. He is also better prepared should someone try to rape him (not as likely for boys, but this is an added benefit).
11) Don’t minimize rape. No one ever asked for it, there is nothing she could have done differently and with the huge stigma that comes from being raped, the chances that she is making it up are really, really slim. Don’t apologize for rapists or excuse their behavior. The only crime where we question if the victim is actually a victim is rape. You can scream about innocent until proven guilty all you like, but give the victim the same respect you’d give the victim of any other crime and assume that she is actually a crime victim.
And finally, to the 3 girls who stopped the rape and got the girl to the hospital- you 3 have ovaries of steal and hell of a lot more morality than any of the boys in that room. You rock and are my heroes for today.
** Before all my old Blogger comments got eaten by the move to Haloscan, this post inspired the commenter who was pissed, pissed that by not allowing rape we were interfering with a man’s right to network with his peers at a gang rape. I shit you not
