Jezebel, Jill at Feministe and Kate Harding at Salon are all talking about horrible dates/ pickup lines.

I thought I’d throw a few out there for your reading enjoyment.

1) I don’t care if you can pull out your test results on the spot- one night stands always require condoms.

2) Grabbing the back of my jeans and nearly giving me a wedgie in order to pull me in for a kiss is gross and domineering, not romantic.

3) Explaining how you’re a really nice guy who just keeps getting fucked over by “manipulative bitches” only makes me empathize with your exes.

4) Kidney infection + 104 degree fever = no sex. Do not try to slip it in while giving me a back rub cause you “just wanna make me feel better”.

5) When I say I am too hung over for sex, do not ask for sympathy blow job instead. Seriously, too hung over means I am going to puke. Do you really want a lap full of vomit?

6) Do not try to get into my pants for a one night stand by telling me how much you’d like to meet my kid. I’m not looking for a new dad for the kiddo, I’m looking for sex.

7) If you pick me up from the airport (really nice gesture, btw) when I’m coming back from Mexico, do not suggest a bad Mexican chain restaurant for dinner. Or any chain restaurant if you live in a city (passes are given to those who live in less urban areas where decent places are fewer). Or a chain salad bar.

8) Looking at me earnestly the morning after and asking if I “play Halo, right?” will get you laughed at. I may be a Milf, but you young grasshopper, need a life outside of video games.