I have just returned from a trip to your lovely country. As will come to no surprise to anyone with a pulse, the food, the wine, the art, the bread and the cafes were all lovely and awe inspiring. But being that I am an American (who was traveling with a couple other Americans) we thought it would be in your best interest to fill out this little comment card about France so that you may improve your customer service skills.
1) Please soften all French tap water. It is the hardest water in the world, I am sure. I think France has the best beauty products because without gallons of lotion and creams, French women would molt out of their skin because of the hardness of the water. After just a few days of drinking the water, my friend Ruth and I were both oddly bloated and dehydrated all at the same time. Actually, I reacted so badly to the water that my feet and ankles are still swollen to an unusual size. Which brings us to…
2) Please please please get Volvic to import their flavored, fake-sugar free waters to America. What a brilliant idea to flavor water with fruit juice and 2 whole grams of sugar (about 8 calories for the calorie freaks out there- less than a handful of tic tacs)instead of a shit load of cancer causing brain rotting sucralose. I discovered the lemon flavor one last time I was in France, but this time I will be having dreams about pammplemousse (grapefruit) water forever.
3) Cobblestones dude- what is up with the fucking cobblestones? I get them in the old places like Versailles, but you cobblestoned the entire outside of the Pompidou. WTF? Cobblestones hurt, they twist ankles, they make me cry. Please replace all cobblestones with sensible concrete, or maybe bouncy rubber sidewalks.
4) The Metro- WANT! Can you loan your metro system to my fair city for just a week? Pretty please? Friday night we were completely across town in the Bastille area having dinner when it was getting close to metro shut down time (12:30pm). At 12:11 we caught the first train we needed to get back to our apartment in the north end of the 18th. 5 minutes later we got off at the Champs Elysees and caught the next train up to Guy Moquet. We were home before 12:30, including the kilometer walk back to our apartment from the metro stop. In Seattle, I would still have been waiting for the 48 at 12:30 (the 48 is always late is almost a nursery rhyme for bus riders here)
5) Dude, we need to discuss the goat cheese funk. I love goat cheese, don’t get me wrong. But goat has a very particular rank ass stink to it. It permeates the grocery stores and cold storage boxes at the farmers markets. A goat brie stank up our kitchen until we figured out it was not something that had gone off, but the natural eau de goat from the cheese. Marie Antoinette had her animals perfumed, I would think you could find a way to eliminate goat funk from cheese.
6) Versailles started off as a home for the elite. Now it is packed full of screaming children (and a better advertisement for birth control than even this commercial
Please either muzzle the children or have child free days at the palace. I am quite sure none of the Louis had gangs of screaming middle schoolers roaming the the grounds. Send them to Euro Disney instead.
7) Speaking of Versailles, it is HUGE. I don’t think it would ruin the aesthetics to install moving sidewalks like they have at the airports.
8)Charles De Gaul is the most evil airport in history. Most airports have signs telling you where certain airlines check in desks are. CDG has four giant terminals and not a sign in sight. I am pretty sure that I hiked about 15 miles with a heavy backpack from the train stop to the Continental desk today, all because there was no way to know where the hell i was going without walking for days.
9) Your idea to have French schoolchildren each adopt the history of one Jewish French child killed in WWII is brilliant. Don’t let the haters stop that.
10) The Pompidou makes my heart happy. Can I please have a tiny closet to live in on either the 4th or 5th floors. I will happily give art history lessons to hapless American tourists in exchange for a sleeping closet. Pretty please, with sugar? On just those 2 floors I saw works of art by at least 10 and more like 15 of my favorite artists of all time.
I am sure that if you take these few minor requests into consideration, Paris will be the most awesome travel spot in the world. Thank you for your hospitality and attention to these matters.
Sincerely,
RQ