So I have been trying to master a few phrases in French before I leave Saturday.

I can speak Spanish, Italian, Russian, Hindu, Farsi, even some Hebrew. (not fluently, but I don’t sound like a total idiot when saying “your mom sucks goat ass” in any of them)

But I cannot fricken say “I do not understand French.” or “Do you speak English” without stuttering, badly. I do better if I scream it out like I have tourettes.

“Je ne comprends pas le français! Je ne comprends pas le français!”

Ouyangdan says I’m just acting the part of a loud American tourist.

Je suis américain! Je suis américain

As if the French won’t be able to tell that before I ever open my mouth.