Please stop starring in movies that I would really like to see. You are an astonishingly bad actor with the range and depth of a paper plate.

You ruined magnolia for me. Minority Report would have been much better had they cast just about anyone else in your roll. My son and I got stuck watching Mission Impossible 3 on a plane. We skipped the headphones and made up our own dialogue for the movie, which improved it greatly (don’t feel too bad- we did the same thing for Hutch). I actually sat through all of Vanilla Sky and Eyes Wide Shut. I should have watched the Spanish version, Abre los Ojos instead and Eyes Wide Shut was only interesting when Nicole was on the screen.

Now you have a movie with Robert Redford, who I love. I would love to see Lions for Lambs, but the thought of suffering through 2 hours of you makes me nauseous. I also think the movie you are currently working on, Valkyrie, looks very promising and is exactly the kind of movie I would like to see, except that you’re in it.

Please Mr. Cruise, for the sake of movie goers everywhere let someone else star in an interesting movie. I beg of you.

For now I take consolation in the fact that Javier Bardem is starring in a version of Love in the Time of Cholera. You should take acting lessons from Mr. Bardem, he knows his shit in several languages.

Sincerely,
RQ