So it turns out that having kids is no longer a top priority in a successful marriage. I think that’s pretty damn obvious, but people like having shiny studies to prove things that they already think are true.

But why do people have babies to begin with? Hell, I had one and I couldn’t even begin to tell you why. Is there ever an unselfish reason to breed? There are plenty of unselfish reasons to adopt, that would be taking in a child who otherwise would have no parents, but to create a child of your own isn’t saving a child from an otherwise horrible fate. It’s just more like not making bread with the bag of flour that is sitting in a kitchen cupboard. There is plenty of bread in the world, enough that you never need to make your own if you don’t want to, and the flour will never know the difference if you don’t turn it onto a loaf of bread. But maybe you like the work of baking and find the rewards of making the bread yourself to be worth putting the effort into.

The only way I can wrap my head around it is by using my own experience (with the giant caveat that not everyone has the same experience as me- I get that.) I was 17 when I met the Kid’s dad. We moved in together and on my 19th birthday we got engaged. 3 months later, I got pregnant.

From the moment I thought I might be pregnant, I knew that I wanted the baby. I didn’t have any illusions to how hard it was going to be. I knew that if I was going to have the baby, I was going to end up raising it on my own. I realized that I wanted the baby more than I wanted to be married to the Kid’s dad.

I am, and always have been pro-choice. I have one child, but I have been pregnant more than one time. If I had not wanted to be the Kid’s mom, I would have had no problem having an abortion. But I wanted him, in a way that I cannot explain or justify. I was poor, young, unmarried, underemployed, uneducated and a million other things that should have put me off having a child at that moment. But I wanted him.

I still can’t say why I wanted him, though I can clearly state why I don’t want anymore kids. I will be 38 when the Kid goes to college, young enough that I can travel and live like a nomad on very little money while still having my health and wits. If I have another child now, I can’t do that till my 50s. I have no interest in dealing with diapers or breastfeeding or paying $1000 a month for daycare ever again. I am also ambivalent enough about raising the almost teenager I already have. I certainly would not want to do this again a decade from now.