1) Do not say that you are looking for a “real woman”. Unless you have access to some super secret government Stepford Wives project, women who read this will assume that you have been spending all your time with an inflatable woman or a Real Doll. All women are real, live, actual persons.

2) Clichés are bad. Do not include anything about walks on the beach, staying in and watching movies, looks good in jeans or a dress, or a partner in crime. You will be seen as the dullest thing since watching a movie about two partners in crime who take long walks on the beach in jeans and a dress.

3) I cannot reiterate enough- if you call yourself a man you better be looking for a woman, not a girl. You will be considered sexist at best, a child molester at worst.

4) If you say you want a woman who knows how to treat her man, you better mean she knows how to point you towards the refrigerator when you whine about dinner not being ready.

5) Only married men post ads about how romantic they are, but don’t include pictures. This is because married men have nothing else to offer but romance and have had all of their shortcomings in the romance department clearly laid out for them by their wives. Flowers and presents are nice, but honesty and, you know, not being a lying, cheating bastard are better.

6) For years women who waited to have kids have gotten the short end of the stick on the dating scene. But you, 50-year-old guy who waited to have kids and now wants to find someone 20 or 30 years younger than you to shoot out your spawn, keep dreaming. I have no interest in becoming a baby-making machine for a guy old enough to be my dad. You should have thought about it earlier, but you can’t always have it all.

7) Men complain that women are misleading in describing their body type online. We won’t get into the whole range of body image issues that women have- they exist and wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t have them. On the other hand- spending all of your spare time watching sports and drinking beer rarely leads to a masculine body type that is described as “athletic”, yet so many of you describe yourselves that way. Huhm- pot meet kettle.

8) Putting lol after everything you write makes you seem like a giggling idiot, not a funny guy. Putting lol into the 3^rd email you’ve sent me with no response from me (i/e lol I’m still trying lol I’m really a nice guy lol why won’t you write me back lol) makes you seem like a giggling idiot stalker.

9) Most girls actually like sex (I do) but if you start asking me about “the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done” before you’ve asked me about anything else or if sex is all you can talk about- you are a giant bore. Trust me, I have probably done most naughty things that you can imagine (yes I’ve done THAT, and THAT and probably THAT too) but you won’t be doing any of those things with me if you can’t talk about anything more interesting than where you want to stick your penis. I know where you want to stick your penis, there are only a limited number of options for that. There are, however, limitless options for discussing books or music or art or politics or travel or or or…..

10) Do not write your profile as a command to your future girlfriend. I/e “You will be a hot blonde who weighs under 110lbs and has DD breasts. You will be the type of woman is a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. You will love me in spite of the fact that I hold your head under the sheets when I fart and leave skid marks in my underwear that you will lovingly wash for me.” If you write a profile like a command- You will be the type of guy that deserves a stiletto up his ass.