So not only is Kid older today, but tomorrow is round number 4 of “Let’s break the laws of physics using RQ’s girl parts”. And it’s the fucking communist invasion for the 2nd time this month (I knew something was up when the last one was only 5 days long. But hoped that I was just getting a reprieve from the semi-regularly scheduled slaughter. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

Anyways, since I am now officially a pro at pre IUD prep (and after throwing a screaming fit- will getting a surgical dose of valium) I didn’t even ask when the pharmacist handed me a bottle of misoprostol. I got this down. I know what’s up. You stick it in your bits the night before and according to legend your cervix magically opens the next day to reveal the lost city of El Dorado!

But that’s not what my instructions say. I actually had to go look the word “buccally” up because despite my fairly impressive vocabulary, I had not fucking idea what the hell that was. It turns out that this time I am to stick the pills in my cheeks (face not ass) and wait for them to dissolve. This sounds like some kind of hell. I will be sitting in my office tomorrow, cheeks puffed with gross, gritty drugs, bleeding from my vadge, feeling like a colony of smurfs is waging a spears and mace war in my uterus, counting down the hours till I can sign my damn consent for to have the jaws of life used on my bits, so that I can take the magic pills that will probably knock me the fuck out for the entire ordeal.

(I want a prize for longest run on sentence in a blog post, please).

If 4th time isn’t the charm- I am selling my uterus to the highest bidder. It causes me massive issues- but it’s super fucking fertile. TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!