Or, a review of 48 minutes of the Road. I couldn’t watch any more than that. I like dark, bleak movies, I do. But this, no. There is no tiny sliver of light to hold onto in this film, and the theme of end of the world starvation is just too close to possible. So when Sylvie called me half way through, I was relieved to have an excuse to look away.

Me: I’m watching The Road

Sylvie: Oh my god! I read the book. It’s bleak. Turn it off!

Me: The people, the people in the cellar are going to the smokehouse!!!! You know that the cannibals are probably libertarians. They are sooooo the type to eat smoked people.

Sylvie: I read book. It doesn’t get better. Turn it off. Put on something happy and mindless. Watch Glee or something.

Me: I hate Glee. Actually I hate all musicals. I always feel super embarrassed for the people singing.

Sylvie: You liked Rent

Me: That’s because if you’re going to do a musical you have to sing about mortal death. Well all death is mortal, but you know what I mean.

This is where I changed the channel to something more upbeat. I think it was some flavor of Law and Order. And then made tuna melts, cause nothing removes the bad taste left by evil cannibals and certain horrible doom than delicious, buttery tuna and cheese.

But really, 48 minutes of cannibalism and watching a man repeatedly contemplate killing his son (for his son’s own good) was more than I could stand. Sylvie confirms that there is no happy ending, it stays bleak. All my little pipe dreams of the man and boy reaching a colony of kindly people at the coast who stuff them full of readily available fish are for nothing.

Of course if you’re suicidal, and looking for a movie to reaffirm your absolute hopelessness for the state of human kind before you swallow every pill in the house, this is probably a good choice. And Viggo Mortensen is never not interesting to watch.