I know you peeps have been anxiously waiting for another installment of imaginary pet blogging. Ruby isn’t feeling the muse lately and we have put off compiling her autobiography until it returns. Instead, she has told me that it is ok to give you 10 fun facts about Ruby that you prolly don’t know:

1) Ruby’s great great grandmother is the inspiration for the Decemberists’ song My Mother was a Chinese Trapeze Artist. Sung Fei made her living in pre-war Paris putting on shows with a troupe of acrobats. She later became part of the French resistance who used her to smuggle bombs because of her ability to juggle cumbersome objects in high places.

2) Ruby is deathly allergic to yellow dye. Thank god I hate the color yellow, it’s why she feels safe in my care.

3) Ruby’s favorite food is Bulgarian feta. I don’t know why.

4) Britney Spears called Ruby for help after the whole Doctor Phil debacle. Ruby knows some black magic and she put an impotence curse on the doc for blabbing her personal information. If you see his wife, Robin, looking more grumpy lately- that’s why.

5) Ruby auditioned for the part of Laura Roslyn in Battlestar Gallactica. She was offered the part but couldn’t take it because she had a coffee addiction relapse and had to go back to rehab.

6)The Palestinians and Israelis have agreed to peace talks if Ruby will be the facilitator. Unfortunately the only building they have agreed to hold the talks in is painted bright yellow. Once they can agree on a new meeting place, Ruby will be off to set things right.

7) Ruby has special high heels made for her by Stewart Weitzman in tiny hamster sizes.

8) George Clooney only started dating his new girlfriend after Ruby turned down a marriage proposal at his house in Lake Como, Italy. Ruby doesn’t believe in marriage.

9) The treasury department is thinking of putting Ruby on $100 bills.

10) Ruby drinks vodka tonics for breakfast. She says it’s to ward off malaria, but i think she might just be an alchy.

Ruby sometimes feels like she has a split personality. She grew up exceedingly poor in a litter of 12. She started working as a hotel maid when she was very young to help support all of her brothers and sisters after her dad ran out. But still, she was an exceptionally bright and adventurous hamster. And she was cute. We all know that cute will get you further in this world than we like to admit.

The success of Furry Little Bitchez caught Ruby off guard. She suddenly had money and fame, and she liked the creature comforts they provided. Her band mates had all come from much more privileged backgrounds and were less awed by the fancy hotel rooms and never having to worry about food or shelter. They liked to think they were true punk rock radicals, when in reality they were spoiled girls who knew little of how hard the lives of the poor and downtrodden were, though they claimed to want to free these people from their struggles. When they started planning the Petco bombing, Ruby felt her world shift. When she pointed out that there was a high possibility of the security guard dying in the blast, her band mates said that the sacrifice was deserved because he was keeping them down. Ruby knew that he probably was just doing the only job he could get that would put food on the table, and she left.
Her time in Argentina had felt the same way. She started dancing in a brothel full of other tough, salty dames who knew how cruel the world could be, and ended up as the caffeinated pet of a tycoon. At the coffee rehab in Peru, she had been reading about the Shining Path. The idea of liberating peasants from an oppressive system seemed like a way to redeem herself after all the gluttony of Buenos Aires. She wanted be part of something bigger than herself.

She set off from Lima through the mountains to Ayacucho in order to throw her lot in with the rebels. They weren’t as hard to find as she thought they would be. She thought she would have to spend weeks trying to find someone who might eventually trust her enough to introduce her to the rebels, but instead she found them lounging around the first cafe she she stepped into.

She was immediately enthralled. The thrill of adventure and rebellion coupled with the lofty ideals of freeing the peasants made her giddy. She was willing to do anything to help and she did. But, in the way of many revolutionary movements, the females were usually kept to the dull and mundane tasks. Their ideas and input were only respected as far as what meals were cooked. (If you ever read any biographies of Che Guevara, you know what I mean. He only included women in his thoughts if those thoughts involved cooking, cleaning or fucking).

Still Ruby wanted to help and her fearless devotion to the cause didn’t go unnoticed. By nature of being and adorable American hamster, she could get away with a lot more mischief under the eyes of the authorities. She simply played the dumb tourist card if she got caught. She was given more dangerous tasks, like shutting down electrical plants and helping with the kangaroo trials of cattle rustlers (a huge offense in the country, cattle rustlers were literally stealing the food and livelihoods of the peasants who owned the cattle) and corrupt government officials.

But something was itching at the back of her mind. Something was not quite right. It wasn’t until the Shining Path came out against the idea of human rights and started planning attacks on the peasants who disagreed with the party that Ruby knew what it was. She had become the privileged rebel without a clue, like her Furry Little Bitchez bandmates. She looked around at the other rebels and realized that none of them had ever known what it was like to work your whole life for nothing. They were college kids who were inflicting their ideas on the struggling masses, and they were no better than the government they were fighting against.

Disillusioned once more, Ruby knew she had to escape. But this time, leaving would not be so simple. She knew too much about the Shining Path to be allowed to leave. She started to make her plans, but she knew it would be dangerous.

When last we left Ruby, she had gone to Buenos Aires for the annual tango festival. In Argentina, Ruby fell on hard times and found herself doing a burlesque tango show at a brothel. One night, when Ruby’s fishnets were on their last leg and tips were low in walked Miguel Luis Manana Naranja, head of Espanovision, the second largest media network in all of Latin America.

Miguel took one look at Ruby’s tattered fishnets and determined, furry face and decided that she was his new it girl, er hamster. He whisked Ruby out of the brothel and into a whirlwind of fancy parties, private jets and lavish dinners. He gave her a gold plated hamster wheel for her new penthouse apartment and made the producers of As the Wheel Turns create a part for Ruby based on her life in the brothel.

At first Ruby was overwhelmed by Miguel’s kindness and all the luxury. Her water bottled was filled with nothing but imported French sparkling water that had been blessed by deaf -mute nuns. She had her own private stash of silkworms who worked day and night spinning out fresh silk for her bedding. Miguel took her everywhere with him. But the fast life was wearing on her. She found herself shooting up pure Columbian coffee and snorting echinacea just to get out of bed in the morning. She was far from her punk rock feminist ideal.

One night Miguel took her to one of his high stakes poker parties. He said she was his lady luck and had to go with him when she tried to decline out of exhaustion. She half heartedly threw on a long silk gown, did a line of coffee and smeared some lipstick on her tiny hamster lips.

At the poker table, Miguel was losing big to Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch wanted control of Espanovision and Miguel had gambled everything he had, except his shares in the company. The final straw was when he gambled Ruby on a bet to get everything back. Ruby was pissed, she wasn’t possession he could dump when the stakes were high. Before the game could continue, Ruby ran out of the night and away from her luxury life.

She found her way to a clinic for coffee addicts in Peru. While there she became obsessed with the stories she heard of the Shining Path. After her life as a capitalist tool, she wanted to contribute to a great cause, and the Shining path seemed the way for her to do that. When she was strong enough, she packed up a simple rucksack with bread and nuts and trecked off into the Peruvian countryside to throw herself in with the rebels.

Since Varkentine has threatened a show down between imaginary hamster extrodinairre, Ruby, and his coke snorting owl that this is the only suitable present for Ruby this year.

Yes- it is sized to fit a squirrel. I think Ruby can make it work though and I am at a loss as to what kind of creature would make a good body guard for her. Anything that would be big enough to take on an owl would prolly also use Ruby as a canape.

Bet you didn’t know that before her career as an actress in the popular telenovela “As the Wheel Turns” Ruby was a punk rock superstar.

Ruby fronted the band Furry Little Bitchez and may be remembered for the song “Leaky Water Bottle” which was considered by music critics to be the seminal work of postmodern anger in a world where female hamsters are still kept in guilded cages.

Furry Little Bitchez broke up shortly after the release of Water Bottle. In an expose on VH1 it was revealed the Ruby’s dissent in planning the bombing of a Petco tore the band to pieces. Ruby just wanted to have fun while her more militant band members wanted to use their music to further their revolutionary ideas. It may be the first time in history the musicians actually thought that more than just kick ass music was needed to change the world .

After the band’s breakup, Ruby went to Argentina for the annual Tango festival. There she met Latin American media mogul, Juan Miguel Luis Manana Naranja and the part of the dramatic hamster, Reina Chiquita was written just for her.

More Of Ruby’s story can be found here

I admit it, I am jealous of people with cute pets who get to post pics of their adorable kitties and puppies once a week. I tell people I don’t have any pets cause I’ve got one monkey child who destroys the house already. But secretly I want something furry and cute. Or maybe a fish. I don’t know.

However, since reality has rarely stopped me from anything I have decided to blog about my imaginary pet hamster, Ruby. Enjoy this video from Ruby’s days on the popular telenovela “As the wheel turns”.