Category Archives: shaming

Properly theirs.

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As we saw earlier this week, Sarah Palin has come under attack for choices her teenage child has made.  It shouldn’t have to be said at a fucking feminist blog that criticizing a woman for the choices that her grown children make is pretty fucked up, and for fuck’s sake I would rather not be defending a right wing fuckwit, but here it is.  If we want people to believe that we think teenagers are old enough to make complex decisions regarding their reproductive systems and their sexuality then we need to start showing that we believe it.  That begins with recognizing that children actually have a right to make decisions that are properly theirs to make.
Psychologists Adler and Dreikurs (apart from their views on homosexuality which I thought were horrible, but I recognize that it was an older time and we have evolved in our understanding of humanity slightly) are pretty spot on when telling us that children respond and make decisions based on how equal they feel.  When a child is raised to believe that they have agency over what happens to them they will make better decisions.  The theory here is that by standing back and allowing children to make decisions that are properly theirs to make we are encouraging them to learn while giving them a safe environment to do so.  I don’t know that they saw sexuality as a normal part of this learning process, I haven’t read all of their writings, but I very much see sexuality and the choices regarding it in this light.
Sexuality has to do with their own bodies.  At some point as children mature into adults they need to know that they and they alone are responsible for those bodies, and that no one has a right to make decisions regarding their body other than themselves.  The choice to engage in sexual activity, while unpleasant to think about for some parents, is a choice that is properly our children’s to make in their older childhood.  It is foolish for us to pretend that our children (our teenagers, if I am not clear about that) are not thinking about or already engaging in sex.  Applying Adler and Dreikurs here, instead of shaming them and pretending that our children are not sexual creatures we should be doing everything in our power to educate them and give them all the tools to properly make decisions regarding their own sexuality.  This is what we call giving them a safe space to make mistakes.
And the safe space is the most important part.  Sometimes we forget that making mistakes is part of growing up.  We didn’t learn to talk in complete sentences and we didn’t learn to walk without falling down a few times.  We learned by seeing these things done, and by trying.  As parents we need to provide a place where children won’t crack their skulls open during their first steps, but we need to stand back and give them the room to take them.  Even if they fall.
Unfortunately for our children, sometimes that fall will result in an unplanned pregnancy.  Part of this safe space that I mentioned earlier is information.  Free from our judgement and free from our own inclinations to choose one way or the other we should be making sure that they have all the knowledge there is regarding birth control, and all of their options should they become sick or pregnant.  Knowing that we trust them with this knowledge is part of making them feel like equals in their relationship with us, their parents.  This encourages them to make good decisions based on good information when making decisions that are properly theirs to make.  Knowing that they are responsible for their own choices encourages them to make better choices, and knowing that they have our love and support should they screw up (no pun intended) makes them more confident.
We may not like dealing with the sexuality of our children, but we can no more ignore it that we can ignore the fact that they will eventually grow out of those clothes and may one day call our music lame.  At some point we need to realize that what they do with their bodies really is their own choice.  Children grow up and make choices that don’t always fall in line with what their parents believe or want, however recognizing that children should be able to make decisions that are properly theirs to make also means that parents are not to be shamed for them anymore than we should shame a teenager for making a decision we don’t agree with regarding their body.
And that is part of being Pro-Choice.

I fucking hate you

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If you ever thought or wrote this about Sarah Palin:


Let’s face it, if she had really wanted to spare her daughter the harsh
glare of the spotlight, she could have respectfully declined the job

then you are a piece of human scum and I fucking hate you. Bonus points if you are a woman.

What the fuck is wrong with you people? I can understand you are gung ho on voting the party that hates you and treats you like scum, but at least have the fucking decency of leaving others alone.

You know, I am starting to see Sarah Palin as a feminist hero, for the shit the so-called progressives and feminists lob at her for having the audacity to not kis Barky’s ass while possessing boobs. They don’t hate her for being a republican- behold the similar hatred Hillary got from them, they hate her for being a woman. Plain and simple. What is worse is that people who were upset when it happened to Hillary think it’s OK to pick on Palin on those exact things.

The truth of 2008 finally comes out: Hillary didn’t lose because she was Hillary, or wrong, she lost because she is a woman and women who run for political power are horrible people . Nothing they will ever do will be good enough for it. How dare they forget they are inferior, worthless and generally irrelevant?

Mind you, per se, Hillary didn’t LOSE. She was robbed of the nomination. But that is another animal isn’t it?

I fucking hate people.

Not to Change the Subject…

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but something has been really pissing me off lately.

Swearing.
I swear.  A. Lot.  I use “colorful language” pretty loosely.  I use the word “Fuck” like a comma.  Sometimes when I write I use a lot of slang and “profanity”, and I feel like it gets my point across.  I am a grown up.  A fucking “adult”, so if I want to rip loose with a few good “fuck that”‘s and “to hell with this”‘s, I am going to.  My writing is pretty damn good, I wouldn’t be getting published now and then if it wasn’t.
I am getting a little sick and tired of hearing people criticize writers, speakers, activists, especially women, for swearing.  If I had a dollar for every time I heard or read in a comment that I should watch my language, or that swearing makes me seem immature, or that using a “cuss word” (seriously, does anyone who actually “cusses” use the word “cuss”?) detracts from my point I could give up writing altogether and retire to a tropical island.
Whether it is people saying that Jessica Valenti is really smart until she opens her mouth (even her wonderful feminist primer, Full Frontal Feminism is sharply criticized for it’s conversational writing style) because her swearing takes away from her point, or a woman being completely discredited on a valid point or not taken seriously about assault because she had the audacity to say “Don’t fucking talk to me like that” I am getting seriously pissed that people are being judged on their choice to thrown “shit” into a sentence or not.
Swearing doesn’t show that you are uneducated or that you don’t know what you are talking about.  It doesn’t mean that you lack the skills to verbalize something in a more “friendly” way.  It sure as hell doesn’t mean that we have no better way to say something.  Sometimes the best sentiment out there is “right the fuck on“.
There are many, countless intelligent writers out there, many more so than myself, who are more than comfortable using “foul” language regularly.  Whether it be Cara at the Curvature, or Roy at No Cookies for Me, Jill or Zuzu et al at Feministe, the wonderful team at Shakesville, any of the ladies at Feminising, BlackAmazon, or our very own Red Queen, the fact that we swear doesn’t detract or lessen the message.  I would dare anyone to call any of them uneducated.  There are plenty of people out there who are saying things “politely”, and frankly, I don’t think it is getting the message across.  What is happening when we decide to swear in our writing is that we are making people pay attention.  We are making people wiggle in their chairs and think “Oh, no!  She didn’t!”, and I am going to tell you, “Oh, yes!  She did!”.  We have got you thinking, and if all you can see is the swearing and “impolite” language, then I think you might be either reading the wrong blogs, books, articles, or your brain just isn’t capable of handling the message.  If all you can see are the trees, get the hell out of the forest.
I am done taking criticism because I use any type of swearing.  If you want to police language, put your efforts on the people throwing around “gay” or “faggot” as if it is an insult, or have a round or two with someone who thinks it’s OK to call a woman a “bitch” or a “cunt”, or to say that someone who enjoys having sex is a “slut” or “whore”.  Focus your censorship on someone who is using hateful speech to keep someone in their place, usually a woman (or, for that matter, calling a man a “pussy” or “girl” as a way to insult him, cuz you know, that is the worst thing a man can be, the strongest human anatomy unit ever…don’t believe me…what do men have that stretches to about 300 times it’s size and shoots whole people forcefully out of a ten centimeter hole?).
We are a culture all our own.  We are writers, speakers, activists and feminists who are finished being “polite”, worrying about who is going to be offended reading a few choice four letter cherries and we are going to say exactly what we think exactly the way we see fit.  If you don’t like it the door is over there, and I promise not to get choked up.
And if you are one of us, thank-you for taking the time to stop by.  Take the message with you when you leave and pass it on.
And have a great fucking day.