So there’s this person, not a friend, kind of an acquaintance, that I have a vague icky feeling about. I can’t exactly say why, it’s just a vague icky feeling.

(Well maybe I could say.*)

Anyways, after 36 years on this planet, having read Gavin de Becker, and 10 years of therapy- I have learned to trust the nagging feeling. Even on little shit. And that’s no small feet. The therapy was partially to learn how to not be hyper aware of everybody and all their motives for every fucking thing, a problem not uncommon in children with abusive parents. But the problem with that is that you start believing in sinister motives for stupid shit, when really that person who is currently vexing you probably was just run of the mill thoughtless or forgetful or whatever. So yes, the therapy helped me to judge when someone is just being human, and when someone is a shithead you should avoid.

So this nagging feeling, it’s not Stranger Danger levels of nagging. It’s more “Oh this is a person I really don’t want to have to deal with often.”

Because of the therapy, I am very specific about why I do or do not like things. I can tell you why sweet pickles are the food of the devil. It’s not just that they taste bad (and they do- cloying gross sweet pickles) but that they fake you out. You’re thinking “Oh pickles! Yay!” and then instead of salty-sour awesome your get mouth full of gross. Sweet pickles lie.

It has made more than one person mad at me for being so specific in my dislikes, btw. Apparently people are shocked that opinionated me has such clearly defined opinions on every fucking thing. Wevs, people. Get over it.

So when I encounter something new that I don’t like, like a TV show or a book or a band or a person, I work really hard at figuring out the whys and hows of my dislike. Sometimes I can’t explain it right away, but eventually it crystallizes. This happens a lot when watching TV shows, I’ll have a vague sense of icky and then whammo! sexism or racism or some ism happens that makes it clear that I was feeling icky cause the people who made the show are assholes.

This is turning into a long, rambly post. Oops. But I haven’t posted in a while and I don’t have the time to do a “Fuck all y’all. I was right about Obama being a misogynist asshat- look at what he did with emergency contraception” post. (Oh look- there I just did it). Feel free to drop your thoughts about intuition and/or Obama’s fuckery into comments.

*And yes, now that I’ve taken 5 minutes to think about it- I know exactly why this person annoys me. It’s a certain kind of regressive femininity, which while I understand why it exists- I DO NOT LIKE. AT ALL.

Do you ever find yourself just straight fucking exasperated because you’ve schooled the same damn people on the same damn thing so many times that you just wish you could short-hand the whole thing to “fuck you, because I say so dammit”.

In an effort to decrease frustration and save time, here is a boilerplate “fuck you, because I say so” letter. This letter is particularly focused on the fauxgressive calls for oppressed people to join the non-oppressed to enact change, while refusing to acknowledge that the fauxgressive point of view may not be in the best interest of oppressed folks.

Caveat 1: The patriarchy has no new tricks. All oppression serves to create haves and have-nots. At its core, oppression is about control of resources and power distribution. But not all oppressions manifest in the same manner. It’s a different world for a white woman than it is for a black man, for example.

Dear (insert faugressive group name here):

We (insert oppressed group name here) have recently received your request for our assistance in (insert pressing social action here). Thank you for (finally) acknowledging our existence. However, we have several long-standing complaints such as (insert example of oppressive act) that have yet to be addressed by you (insert privileged group name here). Until such time as you (insert privileged group name here) have addresses those issues, we cannot in good faith provide our time, energy, or labor to yet another social justice movement run by the people who benefit most from injustice.

It doesn’t take a doctorate in (insert type of degree that focuses on your type of oppression) to see that, to date, every single time you (insert privileged group type here) ask us (insert oppressed group type here) to follow your lead and (insert action here i/e vote, protest, etc)the way that you want us to, we get fucked over. Every single damn time. And that shit don’t fly no more. Sure, now that things are bad for you, you have noticed that things are bad for less privileged folks. But that’s just base opportunism, not empathy. You notice because you want our already oppressed bodies for your cause. You do not want to add your relatively unoppressed body to our cause. That is telling. It shows that you don’t give two shits about real change, you just give a shit about saving yourself.

And that’s fine. But we (insert oppressed group name here) cannot trust you, because a lifetime of privilge coupled with a very short peoriod

Newt Gingrich, professional shitface and the architect of the Rethuglikan Revolution of 1995, wants to bring back child labor because….

“Really poor children in really poor neighborhoods have no habits for working and have nobody around them who works. So they literally have no habit of showing up on Monday.”

I had my first job at 12, cleaning timeshares for a friend’s parents. It was part time, a few hours on the weekends, at minimum wage and under the table. It had to be. I don’t think I was legal to work.

My next job, at 13, was busing tables over Winter Break at Squaw Valley Ski Resort. I got to see what sexual harassment was at that job from the 20 something fucknugget kitchen manager who liked to tell me how sexxxay I was and how I “totally didn’t look 13”.

My next job was over Summer Vacation at 14, again cleaning timeshares, but now fulltime. I made 5 bucks an hour was fucking stoked at the end of the summer when I had enough money to buy all my own school clothes going into high school and could buy whatever frivolous 50 dollar pair of jean I wanted.

By 17, I had graduated to entry-level office work. It was nice not cleaning up other people’s food or used condoms.

Since I turned 18, I have never gone more than a few months without some kind of paid work, except when the kid was a newborn and we lived off student loans and Pell Grants for a brief period of time while I went to school. Even the last few years, I had the tiny monies I made writing this here blog when traditional work wasn’t available.

I had a mother who worked from the time I was tiny until her health prevented it when I was a teenager.

And Kid, well I don’t want the Kid to feel financially responsible for us, which is so easy to do when you’re a super fucking poor kid with a job (cough, cough). So I haven’t pushed him to get work. Now that we are semi-flush, he gets an allowance for doing the housework that I can’t do because I am at work all day. He did some of the same stuff without an allowance before, but I think it’s important he knows that housework is valuable. Though since we are, for now, semi-flush, if he wanted to seek outside employment I’d be okay with that.

So I don’t know who the fuck Gingrich is talking about when he says poor kids have no habits of working and nobody around them that works. I’m thinking that he must live on another planet, one with a social safety net. Cause that ain’t how the real world looks. And if I am not mistaken, (and I’m not) Gingrich was part of the whole Welfare reform bullshit. So even kids whose moms are on Welfare see their moms go off everyday to sit in a fucking government office and be lectured to by asswipes in exchange for cash and foodstamps that total less than half the poverty line.

But that’s just the fucking facts. Let’s look at what re-instituting child labor might mean for a country with an official unemployment rate of almost 10 percent (actual closer to 20). You would flood the market with even more people, willing to work for even lower wages. Those 18 to 30 year-olds with the highest rate of unemployment across the generations- fuck you. Businesses can now hire a 16 year old for lower wages and no benefits because that kid’s parents are still legally required to provide them.

Yeah, that will make things better.

And we won’t even talk about how much better our society will be when the illiteracy rate shoots back up because it’s now ok to hire 5 year-olds to pick crops. They don’t have to stoop so far to pick the tomatoes, you see they are short. And they aren’t so good at organizing unions. They don’t know who to tell when their boss is telling them their 13 year-old tits are hot.

But then, that whole “can’t complain, can’t sue, can’t organize” thing would be feature and not a bug to a douchenoodle like Gingrich.

So after the kitchen was destroyed and everyone was lounging with full bellies and much booze, the cheesy movie marathon started. First we watched the Thanksgiving classic, Cannibal the Musical. Nothing like cannibalism as portrayed by the South park dudes to cap off a night ritual animal slaughter plus pie.

Then we watched this bit of awesome and awful. They broke the budget on lame (that’s la- may, not lame) fabric in this film. This film was steam punk and tricked out mopeds before hipsters were born.

The end of the movie even includes a timely hippies in the park, police with riot gear sequence to remind us all that protesting and anti-protesting are timeless. Plus the whole movie made in 1980 about the wild future of 1994 being watched in 2011 gave me the chance to whip out my Werner Herzog impression “Are we looking at the past looking the future that is really our past?”

Now excuse me while I go nurse my hangover with turkey and pie.

Well that explains Tuesday’s rage-a-thon. Motherfucking communist invasion fuckers. On a day where I cannot possible spend my time curled up in a moaning ball of pain clutching a hot water bottle and keeping multiple layers of towels between me and all upholstered furniture. No, I have to go cook a fucking turkey.

And the birth control pills that are supposed to regulate this shit- not working. Pre-pills I did not get all PMS ragey. I maybe cried over a sappy commercial. So far the only BC benefit I get is actual birth control. I also get pimples, ragies, seriously lowered libido, and periods that are no shorter (7 days) or lighter, or more scheduled, than pre- pills. Plus I still get the cramping, nausea, and fevers that my fucking period brings.

This is going to suck.

in a foul fucking mood.

Enjoy some fucking Elliot Smith. This is expert level pissed-offed-ness.

The other day on ye old book of the face, I had a conversation with an old Elizabitchez commenter from the way back about the Occupy Movement’s little racism/sexism problem (also ableism is a huge issue, but that wasn’t a specific part of the convo). Since I haven’t gotten said commenter’s permission to post hir part of the back and forth, I’m just gonna quote myself.

“Well hell, if I had to face racism and sexism along with the possibility of getting arrested, I’d just stay home and read a book. Wait, that might be mostly what I’ve done”.

Cut to today and I find this link via Shakesville.

OH FUCK YOU OCCUPY CHICAGO! FUCK YOU!

Some of us have been putting up with a rigged system since birth. Some of us have been fighting that rigged system since we first learned to say “But it’s not fair!” while stomping our tiny feet. Some of us have been writing, screaming, arguing, losing friends over and making family dinners uncomfortable since FOR FRICKEN EVER talking about politicians who just don’t give a flying fuck and two Americas and and and. And a some of us knew Chicagoan now President Obama was a shitface long before you cast your stupid ballots for hope and change in 2008.

SO FUCK OFF. WE’VE BEEN DOING THE WORK TO CHANGE SHIT SINCE LONG BEFORE YOU GOT YOUR FIRST UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK.

And now you want us to join you. Us, the always poor, the female, the brown and the black, the disabled, to join you.

We’ve heard that schtick before and we don’t buy it anymore. You want our labor for your revolution, but you ain’t gonna get it till you’ve shown you’re trust worthy. Are you the same douchenoodles who, during the 2008 primaries, made rape threats when we said “Hey 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one is a sexist dogwhistle” (not even a dogwhistle- pretty blatant sexism actually) or pointed out that y’all only seem to give a shit about reproductive rights when your beating us over the head with the idea that “Republicans are worse”? Why yes, you are. Fuck you. We’re not coming to you damn revolution until we can trust you. And so far, we can’t.

You wanna do something revolutionary? How about you throw out a little bone to us ladies (no not that kind of bone. Zip your pants up. This is what I mean by bullshit.) and perhaps make Obama’s little come together meeting with the Catholic Fucknuggets, I mean Bishops, over the right to deny women birth control a tiny part of your protesting. Or you know, don’t. I don’t expect you all to pull your head out of your ass, to be honest. I’ve seen this shit too many times and I am really fucking tired of being right about it. I just don’t trust you, Occupy, to give a flying fuck about anyone who isn’t (formerly) middle-class, white, and male.

Me:Did you take your medicine?

Kid:Yes

Me: All the doses at all the times

Kid: (making growling teenage face) Yes mother

Me: Cause if you don’t take it all you could get an infection and then DIE

Kid: Yes mother

Me: And then I would have to kill myself so I can follow you into the afterlife and nag at you “See what happens when you don’t take drugs!!!!” (FYI, the afterlife has extra punctuation to spare. So I used a could extra exclamation points).

Kid: changing the subject, put on sweet voice “Would you like me to get you some soda?”

Me: Yes please (makes shift eyes around the room. Where is his bottle of antibiotics? hmmmmmmmmmm)

Apparently, break the entire world economy = get a fat bailout from the Fed.

But be a poor single mom with a drug conviction and lie to get food stamps for your 2 little kids (cause bad druggies don’t get food stamps, fyi) and you get 3 years in jail. Oh and lose you kids.

A quick googling and minimal math skills tells me that the maximum amount of food stamps she could have gotten if she received them for an entire year is $6312 (The max allotment for a family of 3 is $526 multiplied by 12).

Here’s the thing- even if she received 10 times that amount, shit one hundred times that amount, and sold whatever she didn’t use, she still wouldn’t be fucking over anyone. Food stamps aren’t even cash. They are an imaginary currency unit created by the government to restrict the spending of the poorest of the poor to pay only for food. The fed makes money. The fed makes food stamps. But unlike when Wall Street banksters take fed money and pocket it, food stamps go right back into the economy. They pay for grocery stores (and the clerks that work in them) and farms and factories (and the laborers who pick, pack and process the food).

So you’ve gotta wonder, what exactly are the government’s priorities when they prosecute a poor person for surviving while bailing out a rich person who needs no help putting food on the table?

TRIGGER WARNING: (child rape, extreme entitlement, rampant stupidity)

There are lots of things you can say about the unpleasant news from Penn State.

This, in my not-so-frigging humble-opinion, is the most appropriate. (There are plenty of extremely close runners-up. Like this. And this.)

If I hear one more tearful student or alum or bigshot talking about Penn State’s healing, I’m going to make Hothead Paisan look like a genteel grandmother in a Victorian parlour. The victims come first, second, third, ad infinitum, bitches.