So the saga of domestic violence continues.

I tried to give the Kid’s dad the benefit of the doubt. We were young, it’s been 13 years, perhaps he really has changed.

(I know I know I know)

But………..

After the Kid saw his dad (in the presence of the school shrink) I got some pretty belligerent emails demanding that I let him see the Kid again. It was vintage abuser shit. So I said no. The first time I was pretty pissed and not very polite about it, but I have always been consistent in saying that if he wants access to the Kid he has to prove he’s no longer a threat. Part of proving that is by paying child support, because economic abuse has always been part of his abusive bag of tricks.

I told the Kid what was going on and that I told his dad no. Kid understands. I told him he’s allowed to be mad at me if he needs to. He says “meh- it would be nice to see him but your reasons are perfectly logical”. Then the Kid told me that his dad has been harassing the school shrink to get her to let him see Nate without my knowledge. Would have been nice if the shrink had talked to me about that instead of talking to the Kid, but whatever. Now I have NOOOOOOOOOOo doubts that I made the right call by saying no.

His dad could have done a couple of things. He could go to court and try to get a judge to grant him visitation. But the last time that happened the judge told him that he would have to pay the cost of having the visits supervised by a social worker ( a minimum of $40 an hour. He only used that option twice in the span of a year) as well as take monthly drug tests and under go anger management counseling. He would also have to risk a judge issuing a bench warrant for his massive failure to pay child support. Rather than taking either risk and showing that he is willing to do the hard work to be in the Kid’s life, he is once again trying to dodge the system. The Kid isn’t a person to him, but a wayward piece of property that he must get back under his thumb.

Now it gets tricky. I could go and get the protection order reinstated, but I would have to disclose where I work and where we live to do so. So far I don’t think he knows either of those things. He only knows where Kid goes to school, and school is out next week. I am bit worried about the Kid’s graduation, as it’s a public event and it’s totally like his dad to show up and cause damage there. If I had a protection order, then both the school and the police would have the legal means of stopping him, but then he would have our address and our home would no longer be safe. Without the protection order, I have to wait until he does something violent or threatening before the police will step in, but there is only one place and time that he would have the chance.

This is the kind of risk taking mental gymnastics that you have to go through when dealing with an abuser. You weigh your options, which are never quite fair or easy. The Kid deserves to have a dad, but not at the cost of our safety. He deserves to go to his graduation in peace, but I am scared shitless.

This is why the shack in the desert seems so tempting right now.