I’m just waiting for the “THAT’S DISRESPECTFUL!” comments to come rolling in

Kid: Bye Mom, I’m off to the library

Me: Aren’t you going to eat your sammich?

Kid. I’ll eat it later.

Kid: Don’t you eat my sammich.

Me: Oh I’m going to eat your whole sammich, and mine too. And when you come home from the library I am going to be covered in crumbs, rubbing my belly and complaining cause I ate too much of your sammich.

Kid: You’re evil

Me: And then I’m going to tell you that I am just a momma bird. I was pre-digesting your sammich for you.

Kid: that’s sick and wrong and wrong and sick and sick and wrong and wrong wrong wrong.

(FTR_ the Kid’s sammich is safe and sound. But I am covered in dorito dust. If only I lived in my mom’s basement (and hated women)- I’d be a real internet troll.