With Ouyangdan on her new Asian schedule, I have no one to entertain me at work. I’ve read all the internets. I am over my interior design lust. The Books on my phone appy has crapped out on me. And I got nothing pithy or witty to write.

Won’t someone take pity and entertain me? Please?

Since I cannot be made to laugh, I guess I’ll overshare about my current little family problems.

After my last post about how the Kid’s dad was freaking me out (just posting a little helped me clarify some shit in my head) I started thinking. What you get now is delayed stream-of-consciousness blogging. Lucky you.

Okay, so you’re angry. Why are you angry? Are you really just angry about child support payments. Shit the dude has never paid in a reasonable fashion, so what’s really going on here. Are you scared? Is maybe that why you’re so angry? It’s always easier to be angry than to be scared. Ok, so what are you scared of? Is it legitimate fear or is it leftover from years of trauma the asshat caused? We are safe right now. Dude doesn’t know where we live, and the Kid only has a few months left in this school. So he knows where the Kid goes to school, but the school is aware of the history and has strict instructions. And if he did figure out where we live, our rooms are on the 3rd floor. He’d have to get through a bunch of roomates to get to us, and there is no possibility of him breaking in through the bedroom window while we sleep (which he’s done before and is probably why I haven’t had a ground story bedroom since). So safeish. For now. And if things change you have picked up in the past and run off with no notice. You can do it again.

But that’s not all you’re scared about, is it? You’re scared that the Kid won’t see how awful his dad is and will become like him. His dad is affable and charming on the surface, that was part of the reason it was so hard to get help to leave. How do you keep the Kid safe while still letting him have his own relationship with his dad? Tricky. You could just tell him what’s going on, at the very least that will explain your snappishness. Besides, you’re assuming that asshat has actually changed his tune and will try to see the Kid on a regular basis. Not fricken likely. He had visitation rights for two days a week with the Kid when he was little and he only saw him once in a year. Are you scared asshat will try to get custody? Not likely. He can’t afford child support then he can’t afford a lawyer. Besides, Kid is old enough to choose and I am very sure he would choose me.

So after this lovely bit of rational dissection of my fear brain, I had a talk with the Kid. I just explained that when I get scared, I get pissed. And there is a bunch of leftover stuff from his dad that scares me. It’s not his fault, and I’m sorry for the snappishness. I also explained that his dad has some very good qualities, but that I don’t want the Kid to grow up to be anything like his dad, which is why I’ve kept those kinds of influences (drugs, misogyny, violence and possessiveness) out of his life. We hugged, we joked around, it was all good in Mom and Kid world. I think that along with the fear brain, I had forgotten that the Kid is no longer a tiny toddler but an almost grown human being. I couldn’t explain this shit to a one year old, but almost 14 year old Kid seems to get it. Besides, he has his own therapist to talk to when mom has a case of the crazies.

Now bring me some entertainment, pretty please?