I have this friend. She’s successful, very well educated, independent, smart, kind, etc. She is 39 and single.

Yesterday we had a long (and frustrating) conversation about poverty, specifically about poor mothers (which- I am, though I think a certain set of people forget this when they talk to me- I don’t fit their stereotype of a welfare mom- and I’ve never met anyone who does and I know a lot of poor mothers).

She was pissed about “all these drug addicted women having more babies than they can afford”. She was pissed because she wants children but hasn’t had them yet, almost as if some poor single mother giving birth depletes her ability to have her own children. She was pissed because she pays a high tax rate and has no deductions, no house, no kids.

I’ve had similar conversations with her before. She has the money (she makes at least 10 times what I do- and I manage to raise a kid ok), she has a fairly flexible job. What she doesn’t have is a husband, and when pushed just a little, she will tell you that’s why she’s not having kids.

Personally, the only thing that really sucks about being a single parent (and I really mean the ONLY thing) is money. When I was receiving child support on a monthly basis our standard of living was drastically improved, but at best it doubled my very meager income (For the record, I am owed about $40,000 in back child support from the last 12 years) My friend is still financially much better off. With a child her standard of living would change but she would be nowhere near poverty.

I know there is this idea that children are better off with 2 parents. Maybe, but not in our case. I think children are better off with a lot of people around them to love them whether or not they are parents. Relatives, family friends, neighbors and really good child care providers make a world of difference. I am fortunate that we have almost always had a strong support system of friends. There was one period of a year or so when that was not true, and it was the single most difficult time in my life, and not so easy on the Kid either.

So when my friend says that she has to have a husband to have a kid, I wonder why. I wonder if what she is really mad at us poor single mothers for is because we don’t care about the one thing that is preventing her from doing what she wants- having a husband. And it’s not just poor moms. Lots of women are having children without being married. Some are in long term partnerships who don’t want the burdens that marriage imposes, some are lesbians who can’t legally marry in most places, and some of us just don’t see husband/children as a package deal.

I don’t know if I made any sort of impression on her yesterday, but I do wish she would stop blaming people like me who break with social traditions because she doesn’t want to break them.