I have a deep dark secret to confess. I use my privilege to my advantage and to the advantage of my child. And I have no idea how to fix that without causing harm to one or both of us.

Maybe this would be better explained with examples.

Example One

I live in a poor, working class, mostly black neighborhood. We are not here as part of some early gentrification scouting project. We’re here cause we are just as poor as our neighbors. But even though we are equals in poverty, I know that my voice will carry more weight than the voices of my neighbors.

I get harassed on the street a lot. (See here, and here, and here for starters). Some might say that I am getting harassed cause I am a white woman in a black neighborhood, but I think it’s more that men use whatever means they can to assert privilege. Wealthy men can do that through economic threats. Poor men do it through violent threats (I am not saying wealthy men aren’t also violent, but they generally have better ways of threatening women than with cat calls). I don’t think street harassment is a racial problem, in other words. I think it is a class problem. I do know that the black men who harass me in my neighborhood are PISSED cause I’m not afraid of them (more than a few have yelled that I am supposed to be afraid of the big black man when I have gone off on them for their sexist acts).

So back to my own practical bits of privilege. I always feel much better when I confront harassers than when I let it go. And during my tenure in this neighborhood I have gotten much more assertive. Part of that is because I know that as an educated sounding, white, middle class looking (though dirt poor) soccer mom type- the police will always believe me over a black man. Always. If it comes down to violence I know that in those situations I will win. Period. So I get to be a strong angry feminist with an entire racist police force to back me up. But only here. If I were to go north a few miles, my class status and gender would render me as the unbelievable one.

So, how do I give up that little bit of privilege in a world full of violence and anger directed at me? I know it’s there like a loaded handgun waiting for the time I need to fire it.

Example Two

And then there is my child. My brilliant but poor white male child. Because of the neighborhood we are in and because my child is so white he makes paper jealous, he’s nearly been robbed on at least 3 occasions by neighborhood kids. They think (mistakenly) that cause he’s white he must have money. On one occasion the Kid was pushed around pretty brutally and I called the police. The kids that did it were my kid’s age and because they were trying to rob him while threatening him with violence, these three 10 year old black kids could have been charged with felony assault. Because we are white, our complaints would have been taken seriously. But these were kids being brats, not felons. I told the officer we didn’t want to press charges but we did want to scare the shit out of these kids and their parents. He went to their house and did just that. It was sobering, to say the least, to think that these kids who did something thoughtless and stupid and bullying, could have their lives ruined for it at 10. (None of this means to diminish my own kid’s pain- bullying is wrong regardless of skin color).

In that case, had I let anger and vengeance overtake me instead of reason, those kids would have been seriously harmed by my privilege. And I know that the officer took a case of extreme child bullying more seriously because it was reported by an educated sounding, middle class looking white mom. If I had been black and the bullies were white, that wouldn’t happen. If I had been any shade of brown that wouldn’t have happened.

But how can I give up that privilege when it works towards protecting my child?

Example Three

I’ve written about the problems of race and class divide at my son’s school before. The Kid has a mild motor skills problem that has made him eligible for special education assistance at school. Last year he started middle school and was supposed to have one hour a day of a special study skills class as part of our IEP (individual education plan, basically a contract between the school and I saying what services they will provide). He didn’t get study skills class until May, and then only because I threatened to sue. Last year he faltered hard in his classes. When they did put him into a study skills class , he was ignored because he is quiet and will hide in a corner reading a book. The things that were supposed to happen like homework help and time management planning were ignored. It was more a free hour of nothing time for him.

This year, he is in a different study skills class, one created especially for the gifted (mostly white) kids. He has a teacher who actually pays attention to him and he is improving this year. His counselor has apologized over and over because they just didn’t have the Advanced Placement Study Skills class last year.

I know that he is actually getting help this year because he is in the mostly white class with children from wealthy families. I know that the black and brown kids in his study skills class from last year deserve just as much help and attention as my kid does but they aren’t getting it. And I am afraid to complain about it. I am afraid that if I call them out on this that my kid will go back to being warehoused instead of taught.

So how do I give up that bit of privilege when it will ruin my child’s education?

This is what is meant by systemic ___ism. We can work in bits and pieces to make changes, but until you break the entire privilege system it won’t do any good. Practical necessity will interrupt. Now with those cat callers on the street, if we did away with sexism and racism and classism, then they wouldn’t be yelling to begin with. And those kids picking on my Kid, well they wouldn’t have singled him out for his skin color (this is not a reverse racism rant- it’s the reality of being a minority in your neighborhood) and that police officer would have taken our complaint seriously because it deserved serious treatment and not because of my race and class. And the Kid’s school, well all the kids would have access to all the help they need regardless of whether they are gifted and white or poor and brown.

In the mean time, I can acknowledge my privilege. I can try to give up any non-necessary ways my privilege is used. But it’s always there, like a magic security blanket, keeping me from the worst of it.