I’ve been musing on ways that men can stop rape, even when they aren’t rapists, after my chicken and egg post and Anglachel’s great follow-ups.

Here’s how I see it.

Women are considered “the weaker sex” (which I never understood, but wevs). If we are doing something that is viewed as beyond our strength and we are hurt by men while doing it, then we carry the blame for being hurt. If we walk alone at night, if we take a masculine job(see rape rates in the military for that one), if we allow ourselves to forget for one single second that we are one the edge of perpetual victimhood, then when we become victims, it is our own fault. (Mind you this is not my opinion, this is what I am observing). If you are a mouthy woman, your husband will hit you. If you don’t wear enough clothing to act as a shield between you and the rapists of the world, then you have committed a giant act of hubris.

But on the other hand, we value weakness in women. Look at the bobble heads. We expect women to starve themselves into tininess. We give them attributes that are soft and yielding. And plenty of us girls don’t fit that mold of femininity. I sure don’t. And plenty of boys prefer that, but society tells them they are wrong.

Right now, there is a sweet boy who has been on my radar. But I am continually thrown for a loop by his masculine posturing. He wants to be the big strong man, which is fine. Except that in his head I have to be the weaker woman for him to be that. There are lots of references to the fact that I am shorter than him or that he outweighs me. After a few years of dating men who I either outweigh or am taller than (and if you’ve never gotten the thrill of getting to tower over a boy- seriously you should try it) , it’s a weird feeling for me to be thrown back into a traditional “little woman” role.

And I am trying to figure out how you could possibly form a solid partnership in a relationship where one person is always supposed to be stronger than the other. How is that valuable? But it is what we see as the ideal. We see men as the big strong protectors. And again, I can’t see how I fit into this world. I have always been the protector. Of myself, my family, my friends. I am that crazy stranger who jumps into domestic violence situations to diffuse the problem.

But women like me aren’t valued (and truth is I think all women have it in them to be the strong ones, we just swallow down our courage and are forced to play the part of waif).

(Bah– There was a whole point to this post that I lost in the typing. Consider it stream of consciousness blogging for now. )